Because I sin constantly.
Because I need him.
Because he is apart of me.
and I'll tell you why.
I am surrounded by people who are hurt. People who have tried constantly to live, and fight for the way their world should be. In the midst of being the exact same way, I know that life will never go the way I plan it to go because I am a Christian.
I will never be rich, I will never be famous, because I have chosen to live for God. I know there will be hard times, but I also know...that in the midst of all of my hard times, I have discovered who Christ really is. Don't get me wrong, I fail him on a daily basis... and I have also grown up with a father who told me that if I sinned, I would go to hell.
My dad loaded my head with fear and anxiety. I never thought that I was enough. I was so afraid to mess up, that my mind created a second personality. I would be at church, singing God praise, and then a thought of something horrible would pop into my head. I would think " Oh no...God I didn't mean to think that. I am so horrible, please forgive me, please forgive me". I was so afraid , that eventually it followed me through life. I always knew God was there, but the less I focused on him, the less this voice would pop into my head. I was relieved at 15, when I just did as I pleased. I lost my virginity, lied to my mother, hated my father (who had gone to prison)...I still acknowledged that I was a Christian, but the way I lived was anything but. I started drinking at age 16, started smoking weed, and lying to my friends and family about who I was.
One night I went to my friends boyfriends house to drink. I had just been broken up with the guy who I gave my virginity too. I was hurt, and so I drank every drink that was handed to me. I laid on the couch, in a haze. I don't really remember how I got upstairs, or how any of this happened, but soon I was in the room with two guys I knew from school. I ended up on the floor with one of the guys on top of me. All I remember is that it started to hurt. I told him to stop a few times, which pissed him off. After me pushing him off, I somehow ended up on the other guy in the bed. I don't think much happened with him, but when I finally had the courage to go to my mom about it... She told me that I had put myself in that position. I decided that it WAS all of my fault for getting drunk, I started having sex with more guys...leaving my bedroom at night. The hurt in my heart expanded, and I dug deeper into doing the wrong things.
I hurt so many people, so many good people, because I didn't care. I had nothing holding me back...I ended up going to a girls juvenile detention center for runaways. My mom thought one day I had run away after she started to make up some rules to help my promiscuity...when I had actually just walked a few blocks down to my grandparents house. My grandpa tried to protect me against the inevitable, but almost got in trouble. I was handcuffed in front of the whole neighborhood and taken away for three days. After that, it didn't matter... I didn't want sorrow from anyone, I just wanted to get away from everybody.
At age 17, I met Andrew. He was just a one night stand. It wasn't supposed to turn into anything, until that night when he turned me away. It was weird to be rejected...no one had ever said no to me before. I went back home that day, and thought about what I wanted to do. Eventually I went back over there and sex did happen, because I made it happen, I didn't like the feeling that someone had told me "no". Shortly after, I was almost living there. He only lived two houses down from me, so it was kind of convenient. Though Andrew challenged me in ways I never thought about. One day, my period was late. Never in a million years did I think I would have gotten pregnant. I don't know why to this day, that I thought that. I had been having unprotected sex for a long time, but there I stood with who I thought was my best friend..in a bowling alley bathroom, crying on the floor with a positive pregnancy test. I didn't want to have a baby. It was my senior year of high school... I had just turned 18, and what I felt was the worst thing...was that I claimed to a group of friends that I was abstinent. I did one of the worst things that I've ever done to someone, to one of my best friends. I lied and told her I had cancer, to get her to loan me money for an abortion. She was my best friend, who didn't even know I was having sex, didn't know anything about my double life, and I let her pay for one of the most hideous crimes. At that time... I couldn't think of anything but myself. I went against everyone, I was in a weird state of mind. Like I was sleep walking...too this day I don't even know how I went through with it, but I did. I wasn't scared, or hurt. I didn't think anything of it until my world came crashing down on its head.
I had told only a handful of people, and one of them was someone I worked with. Long story short, she ended up telling my best friend, who I borrowed money from, all about it on accident, thinking that she knew. It was that day, that I lost it all.
I lost every single friend that I had. I lost Andrew, I lost Kayleigh, every friend I had at school. I had burnt so many bridges with my mom, that she had left a long time ago. It was then that I started to wonder what I had done. I didn't regret it at that point...because I knew I wasn't ready to be a mother. I felt like I had made the right choice still, but to what extent did I make it? I wanted to kill myself. I hated every ounce of what I was. I tried so many times to overdose, or drown myself.
I was a disgusting human being. I accepted what was, and tried the best I could to move on.
It was on one of those nights by myself, while I was reading a Christian based book, that I had actually realized what I had done. Emotions I never knew I had came crashing down on me. I finally talked to God...and the best thing about that night, was that I realized that God didn't hate me for what I had done. I can't tell you how I realized that, it was more like a feeling that I was forgiven. I was at peace with myself. It was the best feeling I had had in my whole life. God loved me, I wasn't who I thought I was........ I was forgiven.
I wish I could tell you that I was a changed person after that. In some ways I was, but I had a long way to go. Depression soon invaded every part of me. Not a depression like "I want to kill myself" thing. More like a " I need the thing I gave up".
Andrew and I moved in together after awhile, and I told him I wanted a baby. I needed a baby. I saw babies everywhere, I saw their smiles, and their soft skin. Finally after a few months we were blessed with a baby girl...And we lived happily ever after.
YEA RIGHT...
My daughter was a beginning to an end. Gone were my days of scandalous nights and drinking, but back came the negative voice in my mind. The voice that wasn't mine, but clouded everything I knew to be true... ( will continue on next blog. :) Happy reading...)
Because I need him.
Because he is apart of me.
and I'll tell you why.
I am surrounded by people who are hurt. People who have tried constantly to live, and fight for the way their world should be. In the midst of being the exact same way, I know that life will never go the way I plan it to go because I am a Christian.
I will never be rich, I will never be famous, because I have chosen to live for God. I know there will be hard times, but I also know...that in the midst of all of my hard times, I have discovered who Christ really is. Don't get me wrong, I fail him on a daily basis... and I have also grown up with a father who told me that if I sinned, I would go to hell.
My dad loaded my head with fear and anxiety. I never thought that I was enough. I was so afraid to mess up, that my mind created a second personality. I would be at church, singing God praise, and then a thought of something horrible would pop into my head. I would think " Oh no...God I didn't mean to think that. I am so horrible, please forgive me, please forgive me". I was so afraid , that eventually it followed me through life. I always knew God was there, but the less I focused on him, the less this voice would pop into my head. I was relieved at 15, when I just did as I pleased. I lost my virginity, lied to my mother, hated my father (who had gone to prison)...I still acknowledged that I was a Christian, but the way I lived was anything but. I started drinking at age 16, started smoking weed, and lying to my friends and family about who I was.
One night I went to my friends boyfriends house to drink. I had just been broken up with the guy who I gave my virginity too. I was hurt, and so I drank every drink that was handed to me. I laid on the couch, in a haze. I don't really remember how I got upstairs, or how any of this happened, but soon I was in the room with two guys I knew from school. I ended up on the floor with one of the guys on top of me. All I remember is that it started to hurt. I told him to stop a few times, which pissed him off. After me pushing him off, I somehow ended up on the other guy in the bed. I don't think much happened with him, but when I finally had the courage to go to my mom about it... She told me that I had put myself in that position. I decided that it WAS all of my fault for getting drunk, I started having sex with more guys...leaving my bedroom at night. The hurt in my heart expanded, and I dug deeper into doing the wrong things.
I hurt so many people, so many good people, because I didn't care. I had nothing holding me back...I ended up going to a girls juvenile detention center for runaways. My mom thought one day I had run away after she started to make up some rules to help my promiscuity...when I had actually just walked a few blocks down to my grandparents house. My grandpa tried to protect me against the inevitable, but almost got in trouble. I was handcuffed in front of the whole neighborhood and taken away for three days. After that, it didn't matter... I didn't want sorrow from anyone, I just wanted to get away from everybody.
At age 17, I met Andrew. He was just a one night stand. It wasn't supposed to turn into anything, until that night when he turned me away. It was weird to be rejected...no one had ever said no to me before. I went back home that day, and thought about what I wanted to do. Eventually I went back over there and sex did happen, because I made it happen, I didn't like the feeling that someone had told me "no". Shortly after, I was almost living there. He only lived two houses down from me, so it was kind of convenient. Though Andrew challenged me in ways I never thought about. One day, my period was late. Never in a million years did I think I would have gotten pregnant. I don't know why to this day, that I thought that. I had been having unprotected sex for a long time, but there I stood with who I thought was my best friend..in a bowling alley bathroom, crying on the floor with a positive pregnancy test. I didn't want to have a baby. It was my senior year of high school... I had just turned 18, and what I felt was the worst thing...was that I claimed to a group of friends that I was abstinent. I did one of the worst things that I've ever done to someone, to one of my best friends. I lied and told her I had cancer, to get her to loan me money for an abortion. She was my best friend, who didn't even know I was having sex, didn't know anything about my double life, and I let her pay for one of the most hideous crimes. At that time... I couldn't think of anything but myself. I went against everyone, I was in a weird state of mind. Like I was sleep walking...too this day I don't even know how I went through with it, but I did. I wasn't scared, or hurt. I didn't think anything of it until my world came crashing down on its head.
I had told only a handful of people, and one of them was someone I worked with. Long story short, she ended up telling my best friend, who I borrowed money from, all about it on accident, thinking that she knew. It was that day, that I lost it all.
I lost every single friend that I had. I lost Andrew, I lost Kayleigh, every friend I had at school. I had burnt so many bridges with my mom, that she had left a long time ago. It was then that I started to wonder what I had done. I didn't regret it at that point...because I knew I wasn't ready to be a mother. I felt like I had made the right choice still, but to what extent did I make it? I wanted to kill myself. I hated every ounce of what I was. I tried so many times to overdose, or drown myself.
I was a disgusting human being. I accepted what was, and tried the best I could to move on.
It was on one of those nights by myself, while I was reading a Christian based book, that I had actually realized what I had done. Emotions I never knew I had came crashing down on me. I finally talked to God...and the best thing about that night, was that I realized that God didn't hate me for what I had done. I can't tell you how I realized that, it was more like a feeling that I was forgiven. I was at peace with myself. It was the best feeling I had had in my whole life. God loved me, I wasn't who I thought I was........ I was forgiven.
I wish I could tell you that I was a changed person after that. In some ways I was, but I had a long way to go. Depression soon invaded every part of me. Not a depression like "I want to kill myself" thing. More like a " I need the thing I gave up".
Andrew and I moved in together after awhile, and I told him I wanted a baby. I needed a baby. I saw babies everywhere, I saw their smiles, and their soft skin. Finally after a few months we were blessed with a baby girl...And we lived happily ever after.
YEA RIGHT...
My daughter was a beginning to an end. Gone were my days of scandalous nights and drinking, but back came the negative voice in my mind. The voice that wasn't mine, but clouded everything I knew to be true... ( will continue on next blog. :) Happy reading...)
